have been in the worst mood of my lifefor the past ...um... about 5 days. The reason? My boyfriend. Yep. The same one that made me SOOOO happy just a couple weeks earlier managed to piss me off and depress me more than anyone ever could in a matter of a day. I was hurting. I was depressed and suicidal. Not really suicidal, but I did pretend to be Britney in her "Everytime" video where she drowns but not really.
You see, what had happened was that he wasn't really making an effort to actually BE with me, or talk to me, except at night when he was about to go to sleep. It just honestly felt like he didn't care. He didn't really call and I didn't really see him except for two days a week becuase he has night school and his school is two blocks away from my house. Really, it sucked. I tried talking about it with him and it was like he had no emotions. I told him eevrything that I was feeling and he was silent. When I asked him if he had anything to say to me he said no. Oh, well then, ok!
So I asked him if he was sure that he really wanted to be with me. He said yes. Or he nodded, rather. I told him that I could not believe that, because what he was showing and what he was saying were two COMPLETELY different things. It hurt. It really did. So I asked him if he wanted to take a "break" away from each other so that he could see if he really wanted to be with me, or if he really cared if I was there. He said no.
Well... the next day he decides that yes. He does want to take a break. But here's the thing. Nothing would be different.
???????
What? I don't understand. He wanted to still see me after night school and still talk to me at night and the only difference apparantly would be for me to stop being so demanding, because apparantly wwanting your boyfriend to call before 9 at night is too demanding. Yeah. OK!
So I then proceeded to write him a letter, in which I basically gave him an ultimaum. I told him that if we were going to be together it was going to be all the way and we were going to go through whatever he is going through TOGETHER... or we would NOT be together at all until he got his shit straight and figured out what the hell he wanted, becuase he was confusing the shit outta me. Then I heard this song by Martina McBride and I swear it was like she wrote that song for me. "How Far" is a really good song.. go download it. Everything that was in my letter was pretty much the song. It was quite crazy.
So yeah. Then he came over and I gave him the letter and he read it and I was so nervous because I really do want to be with the kid. He's amazing. He makes me happy, except for what I'm telling you about now, of course. So he looked at me and I was about to cry because I thought he was going to say we should take that break, my way. And he said that he had been thinking about it the whole day and that he felt that the decision he made and that the way that he had been handling the situation and the things he had done in the relationship were not the best choices and that he realized that. And then he asked me if I would take him back. But he knows that things have to be different. It CAN NOT stay the same at all. Becuase if they do, then I will have no choice than to walk away. But he told me that he can't lose me and so that things are going to be different and yeah.
He was OK today. He called when he got home. That was good, but then I called him at 8:30, which was acceptable I guess.
J don't know. We'll have to see what happens. I hope it gets better but for some reason... I don't want to think about that now.
I'm tired and I been writing for 35 minutes so I'm holla atcha late!
Peace!

posted @ 12:25 am on 10.21.04